The Blueprint vs. the Construction: How Adults Struggle in Relationships
In my work as a couples therapist, I often find myself thinking about where relationship issues arise from. The stories regularly go back to childhood. Children are in a critical developmental stage where their brains are most prepared to learn and build habits. They’re like sponges, absorbing everything around them. This is essential because it teaches them how to navigate the world and gain skills – practical (like tying shoes), intellectual (such as memorizing the times tables), and relational (like saying “thank you” and “I’m sorry”). This quality is crucial because it sets the foundation for who they’ll become as adults. In other words, they need this capacity for learning early on so that, as adults, they instinctively act in ways that will help them survive. Adaptability is valuable, but it’s also costly compared to instincts, habits, and learned behavior. It’s a great natural system, assuming the child grows up in an environment that models healthy behavior and skills. A child raised in an ideal environment becomes like a superhero. As an adult, they are competent in learned fluencies (language, practical and physical abilities, relational skills, etc.).
So why do some people grow into adults with unhealthy patterns and cycles? Issues like lack of motivation, relational difficulties, distrust, and anxiety. This comes, in part, from what was taught and modeled to them as children. They grew up with brains designed to absorb information and use what they learned to relate to the world. But what happens when the environment teaches them the wrong lessons? The child can’t help but soak up this information and use it, often unconsciously, throughout their life. Their fuel for being, so to speak, is poor quality. And it’s not their fault.
An adult isn’t inherently bad. Rather, the mechanism that makes children so capable of learning becomes damaging when the environment is flawed. The blueprint isn’t the problem, it’s the construction. However, it’s possible to go back to that original blueprint and rebuild it.
Case Study: A Stuck Relationship
A couple, Lindsay and David, are stuck in a cycle rooted in their past. Lindsay feels deeply anxious and insecure. She frequently asks David questions like, “Am I good enough?” as a way of seeking reassurance. However, this repeating of the question leads David to feel annoyed and frustrated. But any slight frustration on his part triggers her, as she is hypersensitive to changes in tone, particularly when it hints at aggression. This hypersensitivity stems from her childhood experience with a domineering and abusive father, leading her to develop a heightened awareness of threat. As a result, Lindsay freezes whenever David becomes frustrated, which makes him feel inadequate and unheard. After repeated attempts to help her feel more secure, David feels unappreciated and exhausted.
David’s frustration often takes the form of blaming and criticizing Lindsay. He learned this from his own abusive upbringing, where he was verbally and physically attacked by his parents. When triggered, he might make harsh and generalizing comments like, “See, you always do this. You’re such a selfish person and always make me responsible for your feelings.” These remarks reflect his own learned patterns of responding to conflict, where criticism serves as a defense mechanism to express his underlying hurt. It may also be an unconscious expression of the role he took on as a child in his relationship with his parents. Unfortunately, these comments, meant to convey his own pain, only exacerbate Lindsay’s insecurity and anxiety. When he fails to communicate effectively, David becomes increasingly resentful, feeling like he is bottling up his true emotions and remaining unheard. This resentment builds up, causing the cycle to repeat, with neither partner getting their needs met in a healthy manner.
This example highlights how their learned experiences (how they were “constructed”) affect their ability to be with each other in a relationship. Despite their genuine desire to connect and support one another, their pasts block their potential, creating a dynamic they cannot seem to escape. Unfortunately, safety, trust, and healthy relationship dynamics were not modeled for them. In fact, they may not even know what these dynamics look like. That said, their blueprint, beneath all the maladaptive behaviors, still holds a sincere desire for love, connection, and security. The “construction” was botched by their abusive experiences.
Rebuilding from the Blueprint
What about your own relationship?
To shift unhealthy patterns, you might consider using the following strategies:
Analyze your patterns: Ask yourself, “How is my past influencing my present relationship?” Understanding that your feelings and responses are often survival strategies developed during childhood, rather than inherent flaws, allows you to approach change with compassion for yourself and your partner.
Reflect on your behaviors and reactions.
Create a safe space for expression: Express your emotions as your own experience, rather than as judgments. In the case of David and Lindsay, partners like David could say, “When I feel frustrated, it’s difficult for me to communicate calmly because I learned to react defensively as a child.” This allows partners like Lindsay to understand his reaction without feeling attacked, creating a sense of safety and trust.
Practice sharing your feelings without blaming or criticizing your partner.
Develop communication skills: It’s important to learn how to express your needs and emotions clearly and respectfully. For example, partners who identify with Lindsay might practice asking for reassurance in a way that doesn’t feel as triggering for David, while partners who identify with David could focus on communicating frustrations without resorting to criticism.
Mutual effort helps reduce defensive reactions and builds a stronger foundation of understanding.
Reconstruct your relational style: To rebuild a relationship dynamic, work on developing communication styles that meet your fundamental need for connection. For example, committing to actively listen when the other is speaking, and resisting the urge to defend yourselves. You could also agree to pause and reset if conversations escalate too much.
Prioritize empathy, active listening, and validation.
Shift your perspectives: While your patterns may never change completely, you can gain a new outlook on your relationship and your communication. This gradual shift may move you toward a higher level of functioning and, ultimately, greater well-being.
The goal isn’t to eliminate all conflict or miscommunication, which is impossible. However, you can understand and navigate your relationship dynamics with greater insight and compassion. Using this process, you may begin to recognize that the blueprint: your innate desire for connection, love, and security, is within. The issue lies in the construction, which can be gradually reshaped. By working on this foundation, you can build a healthier relationship that allows you and your partner to be who you truly are.
