How to Have a Successful Relationship, According to Science
From shows like Love is Blind to The Bachelor, our society seems to be obsessed with the idea of relationships and love. Yet, research shows that about 50% of marriages in America end in divorce. So if love isn’t enough to make a relationship succeed, then what is? John and Julie Gottman, set out to answer this question through a series of experiments in their “Love Lab”.
In this experiment, the Gottmans conducted experiments with hundreds of couples to see what the happy couples did differently from the unhappy couples. The Gottmans referred to these happy couples as “relationship masters” and the unhappy couples as “relationship disasters”. They found that the relationship masters had mutual respect, deep friendships, and a safe and vulnerable environment to share their feelings. These positive interactions build a layer of protection that prevents couples from feeling hopeless when crises happen in their relationship. This idea is called positive sentiment override, in which couples can give each other the benefit of the doubt, especially in conflict. For example, the dishes your partner left out overnight isn’t interpreted as malicious or lazy behavior, but that they may be having a tough day at work and forgot to do the chores.
In my time as a therapist, I’ve witnessed that the couples who often show great improvements are those who are deeply motivated to work through their relationship challenges and continue to have love and respect for their partner. Most importantly, they could talk through conflict and repair after a heated discussion. One of the biggest goals I emphasize in couples therapy is how to express their needs and feelings in a way that can be better received by their partner. The most encouraging aspect of Gottman’s research is that these are all qualities that can be developed if they are currently lacking. So, what are some steps that Gottman recommends couples work on?
The Gottmans would argue that Love Maps are the foundation upon which strong relationships are built. They would describe Love Maps as having a strong friendship. Take some time to think about your closest friend. Do you know their current life aspirations, major life-defining events, or even something simple like their favorite show? The Gottmans believe that the same should be true about couples. This not only helps your partner feel like you’re invested in their day to day life but can also help build more empathy and understanding when facing challenges as a couple. Think back to the example with the dishes. How can you give your partner the benefit of the doubt that they were having a tough day at work if you didn’t know that their boss has been an absolute jerk to them for the past month?
The Gottmans found that “relationship masters” are also intentional about sharing fondness and admiration with each other. This can show up in a myriad of different ways. They are able to recognize their partner’s efforts and express their appreciation outwardly. These couples also often give genuine compliments to each other, often sharing the things they love about their partner. Lastly, they have conversations that express fondness of past experiences and reminisce with each other. I often notice that the more these couples trained themselves to express the positivity in the relationship, the more positivity they noticed in their relationship. The Gottmans found that happy couples had a 20:1 ratio of positive to negative experiences. As the positive experiences grow, so will the positive sentiment override, and vice versa. While these behaviors may feel forced and unnatural at first, they begin to feel like second nature as it becomes engrained into your relationship’s daily habits and rituals.
