101: How to Break Up
From the classic, “It’s me, not you” to the more extreme, “I don’t think I love you anymore”; breakups are not easy. The dictionary defines a breakup as: “the separation or breaking up of something into several pieces of sections”. Sounds a lot like the shattering of our hearts. However, it does not need to be this agonizing. In reality, there are ways to break up with a significant other that encapsulates gratitude while still embarking on separate journeys.
Recently, I had a last session with a couple I had been working with that decided, after a lot of deliberation, to end their relationship. Despite their hesitation, I empowered them to meet with me one last time to grant them each the opportunity to do the following: share and express appreciation of each other and of the relationship, share what they’ve learned throughout their time together, ask questions and establish expectations of moving forward. To my surprise, the couple was up for it. Afterwards, the couple shared that the last session was the best way to close this chapter in their lives and move on.
Following this session, I was able to reflect on this process. In my work as a couple’s therapist I’ve come to realize that this type of work, specifically the limbo work of “Do we break up or stay together” is formally known as discernment counseling. Discernment counseling is a type of couple’s therapy that embodies a collaboration that helps guide the couple in making an informative decision about whether to move on separately or stay together and work on the relationship. Regardless of the decision, each party has input in how to move forward. Yes, even if the decision is to break up and move on.
The process of Discernment counseling may be challenging, as learning to navigate differently in the relationship can feel jarring. Even I, the therapist in the room, has to learn to adjust to these changes. Yes, this all sounds like a lot of work…and it is. However, what I value in this type of work is witnessing the courage that it takes couples to collaborate in deciding what accurately represents their wants and needs in the current state of the relationship. It takes guts to recognize that things may not be working and that change needs to happen.
Whether you are the partner that wants to ‘work it out’ or the partner that is thinking of ‘moving on’, discernment counseling is a therapeutic process that honors the connection of the relationship, despite the outcome. This process grants all parties the opportunity to cultivate the relationship they now seek. As a therapist, it is a privilege to walk along couples and channel through gratitude and courage to find relief in this limbo.
