When You’re Trying to “Be Your Best,” but It’s Stressful
American Psychologist, Abraham Maslow, created a theory that suggested there is a “hierarchy” of specific needs that motivate us to “self-actualize,” where one eventually completes realization of their potential, their abilities, and their appreciation for life. He suggested that when those needs are met, one can be the best version of themselves possible. Maslow listed the following needs: 1) physiological needs, 2) safety needs, 3) belongingness and love needs, 4) esteem needs, 5) cognitive needs, 6) aesthetic needs, and 7) self-actualization. He added that by not meeting certain needs, one is likely to experience stress, impacting one’s mind, body, and/or spirit.
Physiological Needs: Maslow argued that physiological needs are basic needs for survival. They can include rest, food, water, shelter, clothing, sex, and warmth.
Safety Needs: These needs help us have a sense of security. They can vary from financial stability, health, as well as feeling safe and at peace.
Belongingness and Love Needs: Maslow discussed how belongingness and love needs are interpersonal. He added that one may want to feel accepted, having a sense of community. These can include love, friendship, family, intimacy, and trust.
Esteem Needs: Maslow shared that one has a need for respect from others, such as attention, recognition, and status. He also shared that one has a need for self-respect, which can look like confidence, independence, and freedom.
Cognitive Needs: It is believed that people have needs to gain knowledge, wisdom, and curiosity -- that they further want to create meaning in what they do and what they experience.
Aesthetic Needs: Maslow believed that people have an appreciation for beauty, balance, and form. Whether it is one’s own physical appearance, nature, imagery, or art, people try to find beauty within themselves, others, and/or the world.
Self-Actualization: In this final stage, Maslow suggested that one self-actualizes by being the best they can be. It is through this stage that one understands their values and how their behaviors impact their relationships, needs, and their views of themselves and others. One might feel like they can be their “true” and authentic self, accepting themselves and others. They can have a sense of community and a sense of purpose in what they do daily.
This theory was introduced to me back in my high school psychology class senior year. As someone who was interested in this idea of self-actualization, even then, I always thought about how hard it would be to “self-actualize” when life gets stressful, especially when you do not fully have your needs met.
I am no stranger to stress, and I am sure everyone at some point in their life dealt with a stressful circumstance. As I reflect and look back at the hardships my family and I faced growing up as a Southsider Chicagoan with immigrant parents from Mexico and two younger siblings in a working-class household, as you can imagine, it was tough. Throughout my life, there were unpredictable circumstances that took a toll on my family’s wellness such as financial stress due to job instability and job loss. It was not until later in my early adulthood that things became more stressful after my mother had a work-related injury that led to her disability. As you can expect, financial stress also became caregiver stress, health-related stress, and family stress, all of this while I was balancing college and graduate school. Throughout my studies, of course, there was academic stress, and minority stress as a first-generation, Latino college student and a doctoral student. Add working part-time to the picture, and there was work-related stress, too. At the end of the day, it was stress, but different kinds of stress altogether. I am sure for anyone reading this, whether you share similar experiences, stress can mentally and physically exhaust you. I know it did for me!
When we are stressed, we might find ourselves feeling overwhelmed, scared, irritable, or sad. Physically, stress could look like a headache, a stomachache, a rapid heartbeat as well as trouble sleeping, resting, or breathing. Although people’s circumstances can be different, stress is a universal feeling we have all probably experienced at some point in our lives mind, body, and spirit. What makes it hard is finding ways to cope when life brings us obstacles at any given moment, especially when our own hierarchy of needs are not fully met. For me, financial hardships and familial circumstances regarding health made it difficult to have a sense of financial security (safety needs). Thankfully, access to food, water, and shelter was never an issue (physiological needs). As a queer person of color, and as a first-generation college student and graduate student, the minority stress I carried on campus made it hard for me to feel a sense of belonging or a sense of community (belongingness and love needs). This further impacted my own self-esteem and self-worth (esteem needs), all while I was balancing work and school (cognitive needs). As you can see, these hierarchy of needs all seemed to interconnect.
As I am writing how not having your own hierarchy of needs met can lead to stress, I remind myself of the people who helped me along the way. To this day, I firmly believe in the saying, “It takes a village,” which is something I remind my clients, loved ones, and myself. Although there were challenges along the way to be who I am now, I look back at how people helped me be the best version of myself along the way. Surely, one can find ways to manage stress on their own, whether it is seeking their own therapist, integrating coping skills, and handling situations by yourself. However, what can help is to seek support and to help others, giving us a sense of community.
Austrian psychotherapist, Alfred Adler, talked about gemeinschaftsgefühl, or a community/social feeling. I think that while we can try our best to help ourselves, it truly can mean a lot to be caring and serving for the wellness of others. What helped me and my family along the way was very systemic, also a hierarchy. They included statewide or community resources, friends, neighbors, mentors, religious clergy, teachers, strangers, and (not to forget) each other. The point here is that to be our best selves, to “self-actualize,” is to also uplift others, so others can be their best selves. As Buddha once shared, “Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” As someone who is also spiritual and grew up Catholic, I think of how can love our neighbor. Whether it is through actions, words, or quality time, any form of support can truly go a long way so someone’s needs are met, and they are not so stressed.
