Subtle Forms of Self-Sabotage
A common saying states that “we are our own worst enemies.” I understand this quote to mean that we often get in our own way of achieving our goals or living a life that is truly meaningful and fulfilling. Behaviors or thought processes that interfere with us living the life we desire and reaching our goals are referred to as self-sabotage. But why would anyone stand in their own way? The answer is complex, and is often rooted in trauma, low self-worth, or difficulties managing certain emotions. One of the most challenging aspects of self-sabotage is that people often do not realize they are sabotaging themselves. Thus, self-awareness and understanding can be a first step in making a meaningful change. In this article, I will outline subtle forms of self-sabotage and discuss how to chip away at these unhelpful habits.
Procrastination
Procrastination often occurs because we are avoiding uncomfortable feelings associated with completing certain tasks. While we procrastinate some tasks because they are simply boring or unpleasant, other reasons for procrastination may be a bit deeper. For example, a big project at school or work can bring up feelings of anxiety, inadequacy, and fear of judgment. These unpleasant feelings can lead us to wait until the last possible minute to complete such tasks. Doing so not only creates distress and panic, it often does not allow for people to truly give a full effort in their work and prove to themselves that they are capable of performing well, even when they are not under immense pressure. The next time you find yourself starting to procrastinate, ask yourself what feelings are coming up for you as you approach the task. Try to meet those feelings with compassion. Giving yourself adequate time to complete tasks and starting sooner rather than later can be an act of self-love and self-care.
Fear of Failure
Fear of failure is another sneaky form of self-sabotage, as it can hold us back from even setting goals in the first place, or being willing to try new things or experiences. Fear of failure may sound like “I would never be good at that” or “That will never be me.” It can look like remaining in a situation that you do not necessarily want to be in, but that feels comfortable and familiar. Staying in our comfort zone can limit our growth, and also keep us from experiences that can be rewarding and enjoyable. Trying something new often requires us to fail and make mistakes. That can certainly feel scary. Accepting that fear and failure are a part of the process can help us move toward goals that are meaningful to us, and be kinder to ourselves when things do not go as we planned.
Over-thinking
Thinking ahead can be a helpful trait; however, over-thinking can keep us stuck in inaction. When our mind runs us through every possible outcome and scenario, it can be easy to focus on what can go wrong. In this way, we can think ourselves out of doing things that would actually be good for us. Similar to fear of failure, over-thinking prevents us from even trying to attain the things that we want. Over-thinking is usually an attempt to gain control over an unpredictable situation. If you find yourself overthinking, redirect your attention to actions you can do that are within your control. Try to remind yourself of what can go right, and how it would feel. Accept that you can never predict and plan for every scenario; rather, find courage and trust within yourself that you will be able to meet and overcome challenges as they arise.
Mind Reading
Mind reading refers to assumptions we make about how others perceive us and how they will respond to us. Mind reading can often sabotage our relationships and interfere in connecting with others. If we have been hurt or rejected in the past, we can often predict that others will respond to us in a similar way. Or, if we are extremely critical of ourselves, we can assume that response from others. Mind reading can look like avoiding a social occasion, because you assume that no one wants you there, or not speaking up in a meeting, because you predict that others will not find your contribution valuable or interesting. Tackling this self-sabotaging habit also leads us back to letting go of what is out of our control, and nurturing our own sense of self. Accept that you can never know with certainty how someone will think of you or react to you. Foster self-acceptance by identifying the kind of values and traits you wish to embody in relationships, and focus on living by those values. It is also helpful to take risks that challenge your mind-reading assumptions-such as attending a social event and starting conversations with others, despite your fears of how they will respond. Giving yourself a chance to have positive interactions will build your confidence over time.
It can be difficult to accept that our own fears, thoughts, and insecurities can be our biggest obstacles to happiness and fulfillment. However, we can empower ourselves to make changes by starting with acceptance, self-compassion, and a little bit of courage.
