The Loss of a Life Once Known
According to recent statistics, 21% of US adults experience mental illnesses, which means approximately 1 in 5 adult Americans experience mental health problems. This may seem like a small number, but let me eradicate that misconception. This 21% amounts to almost 52.9 million people, which is not a small number by any means. But it does not end here. People with mental health concerns are burdened by the turmoil they face in their everyday life due the nuances of the symptoms they experience. However, we often forget the impact an individual's diagnosis has on their systems, specifically the impact it has on individuals within their family systems.
My supervisor Dr. Khalid perfectly described boundaries, or should I say the lack of them, within South Asian families in her previous blog “On Being Brown with Boundaries: An Uncomfortable Cultural Truth.” Being South Asian myself, I couldn't agree more with these sentiments. With there being a complete disregard and a lack of interpersonal space, boundaries, and even transparent communication, how is one expected to separate a family member’s diagnosis from the impact it has on the family as a whole? By saying this, I am not trying to invalidate anyone’s experience, specifically the member who is diagnosed with a mental health disorder, but moreover I am trying to shed light on the shift that members of the family go through, which by no means is easy. I say this as I have had my own experience with living with a family member diagnosed with a mental illness, and it has taken me time to process and come to terms with what this meant for me.
Being close to someone diagnosed with Bipolar II is not easy. But according to my culture/society I am not the one diagnosed with it and hence I am not being impacted by it. Well, they aren’t completely wrong. Sure, I never have been directly impacted by symptoms of the diagnosis, but it has indirectly impacted my entire life. Being from the South Asian community, I was not allowed to tell anyone what was happening with us and was expected to act as if everything was normal (mental illness = taboo topic). But nothing was close to being “normal.” I found myself losing my voice to protect an image, I saw myself alienating from others because of this, and the boundaries within my household were close to becoming extinct. Nothing was “normal” to me anymore. Everything had changed, including family dynamics and interpersonal relationships. But according to everyone, I was supposed to be fine, because I was not the one diagnosed here. I was supposed to lead life as if it was all “normal.” I hate to say this, but this is the reality for a lot of South Asian families and I won’t be surprised if this holds true for other families from different cultural backgrounds too.
It has taken time, determination, self-care, and most of all self-compassion to set healthy boundaries and find the right balance to be there for my family and myself. And I hope that this is what readers take away from this blog… To show oneself more self-compassion! It is hard to see a loved one go through any kind of illness, but it is OKAY to show yourself the same kind of compassion you show your loved one through these tough times. It is OKAY to love yourself. It is OKAY to put yourself first and be selfish at times! And it is completely OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY during these situations. Because at the end, your life had changed too. Your life is no more what it used to be and this in its essence is a loss too. A loss of a life once known. And it's OKAY to process and mourn this loss in your own way. You are not alone and you can find your way out of it by finding that compassion you have and turning it towards yourself too!
